This is why I'm fat.

My parents took exotic cooking classes as a hobby, so we ate all around the world from quiet, unassuming Oklahoma City.  My mum is a wizard.  So are all her sisters and their daughters and their granddaughters.  But guess who was skipped by that particular gene?  Yep.  Me.  Oh the irony.  The painful irony to have this sophisticated but sensitive palate yet lack the ability make nom magic like Mum.  It does explain, in part, my physical state though.  That state being big.

Therefore, I like being in the kitchen but it's for eating, not cooking.

Let's talk about fluff for a sec, because, y'know, it's what people talk about.  Trust me, Cosmo and Glamour obsess about size way more than I do but it is a favorite topic.  And for me it's as much positive as it is negative for Cosmo and Glamour.  And that's why their editor's opinions will never, ever matter.  The diet industry is a biggun, speaking of girth.  That's a bunch of ad dollars, so you can't 100% blame them for it but in a way, you can.

Negative attitudes and opinions never matter because most of the time, people just act like they hate something in an attempt to make you feel bad for liking it.  Don't think that's true?  I just defined passive aggression, which is the third most common element in the universe behind hydrogen and stupidity.

Back to weight.  Recently, I attended a gathering where multiple members of the same family were present.  Perhaps multiple is too conservative.  More like upwards of 20 or 30 people who all shared DNA.

Something I noticed...  Among the members who were big, and most were bigger than 'average' by height and width, the fat ones were all fat in the exact same way.  Every single member carried their weight in the same place on the body.  All of them, the same shape, just different sizes or slight variations.  Tell me again that part about how the way your body looks is always a choice?  It's a choice for some but not all, maybe not even most.

Now this isn't nanotechnology or some great science at work.  I'm not claiming it to be anything more than an insomniac babbling online because the musical group on Conan tonight was a bust.

But seeing that whole family reminded me of my family and Mum and her sisters, and their daughters and granddaughters.  We're all some level of fat and again, with the exception of me, healthy like oxen.  Anyone who expects people of ginger origin to be sickly never met my mother's relatives.  They live hard and they live long.  By live hard, I do mean they don't sit still for long.  OCD and ADHD may have be introduced to the gene pool by my ancestors.  Buuut, some of them have also smoked and drank, practically out of the womb, they're still smoking and drinking and knocking on the door of triple-digit birthdays.

If you think body shape isn't as much genetic as eye color or cancer, that's alright.  But if you think that gives you validation for treating big people like shit, you're dead wrong.

You can still hate me for it.  That's your problem, not mine.  If you would like for me to attempt to change your mind, prove to me first that it's worth my time and energy.  We can iron out details in private.  =^_^=

My study of shit attitudes is the same as my study on how fat happens.  Observing people, except with attitude, it's about the way they act in different kinds of situations, the way they are susceptible to influence.

You might have a shit attitude if:
You hate more things than you like,
You hate trying anything new,
If you do try something new, you hate what you tried,
You hate it when people like something you hate,
You hate when people like something you don't hate so you hate on whatever they like,
You hate it when people are happy and you don't feel like they have earned nor deserve it,
You hate it when people are happy, even if you do think they deserve it,
You rarely think anyone deserves to be happy or successful,
You hate anyone in a better station in life than you because you think you've earned and deserve to be on top,
You think you're owed something from the rest of us because you manage to tolerate everyone else despite hating them,
You're a selfish, rude, oblivious fuckhead.

Now do you see why shit attitude opinions don't matter?  Because the only thing haters do is hate.  They maybe aren't thoroughly one-dimensional, but not far from it.  And they hate everything, so hating you or something about you is inevitable, unstoppable and affects you only if you let it.

That's what I've learned.  And this is why I'm fat.

Like kitty litter through the scoopy thing, these are the convos of my life

What do 'normal' conversations sound like anyway?  I think I've had them before but they never seem 'normal' to me.  They are strained, sometimes insincere or superficial.  Usually I'm having what I consider to be a normal conversation with the more traditionally conservative-ish (redundant term?) friends of my highly educated, world-traveled, faithful-church-attending, Democrat, youthful-senior-citizen in-laws.

Not a bad thing but awkward chats with family acquaintances never go much beyond weather or that lovely rendition of (insert name of dreary boring well-known hymn) that Missus Ethel Mae Blickerman played with her double-harp last week during a fundraiser luncheon to send the Bridge club on their annual Branson bus tour.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  ~_~

According to the Chinese calendar, rabbits are the luckiest of all signs.  I happen to have been born in the Year of the Hare.  I'm also left-handed which some believe is a lucky charm.  Plus I'm an only child.  We're literally born into good fortune.  Siblings are cool and all.  More than once I have wished for a sister or a gay brother.  Buuut we 'onlys' just tend to be super lucky.  Well, we arrre.  =P

Piece from "Garden of Earthly Delights"
By Hieronymus Bosch.

Talks with Mr. Buffie often serve as reminders of my luck.  He hates harps too!  Like me, he thinks they look scary...  Medieval torture devices used by the henchmen of evil emperors that coincidentally could serve as a musical instrument.  Never trust a harp.  They're sneaky.

He does frequently wonder about the weather.  *eye roll*  But it's only because he's all uppity about driving Sir Hiss in the rain.  No one is perfect.

This evening Mr. Buffie was in the laundry room taking clothes out of the dryer when he found a band aid stuck to one of his fake ShamWows.  He picked it up and said something to the effect of 'oh this is very interesting and I would like to know more please, what are the origins of this band aid, is it name brand, who lost it, are they looking for it' instead of how the rest of the world reacts when they find a used band aid in the clean laundry.  "URH MAH GAAAAAHHHHDDDD that's one degree away from finding a severed fingerrrr! urmahgahhhdddduh  SICK!  Sick sick sick!  Throw it in the nearest object that will function as a temporary biohazard receptacle which can be burned in the fireplace!  Stat!"

This is the same Mr. Buffie who insisted I smell the bottom of his shoe a few days ago and pushed it toward my face so the discovery of a mysterious laundry band aid is an archaeological score in his mind.  For the sake of fairness, I begrudgingly admit shared guilt when it comes to fixations on things other people find completely unappealing.  For example...

Banged-up beloved pink

Tweezerman classic slant tip tweezers.

(Smudges are where the
Tweezerman lightning bolt used to be.)

"Look at my tweezers, my tweezers are amazing!  But NOT as amazing as the little removable plastic tip.  By some PsOV, that tiny nubbin is worthless.  To me, it is every bit as important as the expensive tweezers.  And I have to own 7 pairs of ridiculous $20 tweezers because I need a set in every room you know.  Tweezers are the Buffinese version of a Swiss Army knife.  They're a garden tool, a bookmark, a price-tag remover, a kitchen utensil (after thorough sanitizing of course) and obviously an implement of makeup application and personal grooming (also after thorough sanitizing... of course)."  ~  Buffie circa two hours ago.

Tweezer Nubbin

Hey, it's justified.  The piece of plastic protects those tweezers and kind of holds my life together.  Is this a haiku?  (O hai ADHDeee  Weee!)


While we are almost always civil to each other considering we've been married a bazillion years (in 21st Century terms, we've been married a bazillion years, I calculated) we still have our uhm... moments.

Mr. Buffie brought home dinner tonight because I didn't get home until almost 8 and I also brought work home and I still need to put dishes away from last night sooo... yeah.  It was either bring home hot food or enjoy your Triscuits and squeez cheez.

Looks gnarly but I promise it's delicious.

He opted for actual cooked meat and vegetables, imagine that.  As a favor for me, he also brought this weird concoction I like from Pancho's.  It's seasoned steak fries similar to the kind you'd get at a 54th Street restaurant type place.  Then they're covered half-and-half with sour cream on one side and guacamole (seasoned avocado puree style) on the other.  Shredded cheese is melted on top along with a couple fistfuls of chopped fajita steak.  A funky Mexican food in Kansas City version of poutine.  They're SUPER good, cost about $8 and I can eat on them for a good 2 or 3 meals because the box is giant and I have no qualms about reheating them in the oven even though the guacamole and sour cream strangely absorb into the fries the next day.

Anyway, the mister got a meal from Culver's and I spy shrimp on his plate.  Y'all know how I feel about shrimp.  They're my forbidden fruit.  *heart flutter*

So I ask him very sweetly if I can has a scrimp.  He just looks at me while he's putting 'buttery spread' on a sweet roll and doesn't say a word.  Now I'm all offended and tell him I CANNOT BELIEVE he isn't sharing at least one frickin' shrimp with me.


Buffie: "It's ONE shrimp!  You have at least 9 or 10 there.  Hook a sister up.  What is WRONG with you?  I asked nicely.  Why won't you share just one shr..."


Mr. Buffie:  "Because this is fishhh."

Buffie:  "You should have ordered the shrimp."

Don't know what you've got til it's gum.

Does this happen to you?

You're chewing some gum and your friend has a spaz as soon as they notice.  "Is that GUM?  Where did you get it?!  Do you have more?!!?!?"

They've just been handed the opportunity to achieve their lifetime goal, which is to chew gum and you're possibly holding their keys to a dream come true.

It's only gum, you both know this.  Anywhere that sells anything sells gum.  Hardly an endangered food species, kids.  You can buy it at the auto parts store!  Nothing has less to do with food than the auto parts store.  What does that tell you about gum?

Hold on though, it gets complicated...  If you /do not/ have gum, you friend will practically start sobbing like you ran over their family pet.  That level of disappointment is irrational, don't you think?

Thanksgiving by Numbers.

14 - Number of family & friends in attendance.

13 - Times I loaded/unloaded the dishwasher.

5 - Nights we ate some sort of leftovers.

4 - Days of vacation spent at home working my ass off.

2 - Trips to World Market for chocolate and cheap wine.

1 - Attempt by 70-year-old father-in-law to demonstrate the "Moon Walk" which he referred to as the "Mars Walk."

Things we learned:

Parents will still chirp in your lobes about making your bed even if you haven't lived with them in over a decade.

Do NOT get in between dad and ice cream from Glacé unless you want to know what it's like to be run over by a city bus.

You can make pancakes but they'll never be as good as the ones your mum makes.

Cats can and do hold a grudge and will barf out of spite if your visitors fuck up their routine.

Apparently my family does not believe in Thanksgiving dinner without some kind of Jell-O "salad."

Old people typically don't quote from "Anchorman" so threatening to punch an annoying male family member in the ovary may cause your relatives to question your sanity and/or sobriety. Explain nothing, it only makes it worse.

It is safer to wander the streets unarmed and alone during a zombie apocalypse than it is to go ANYWHERE during Black Friday.

And some of you wonder why I call it X-Mess?

Your Fluff Welcome Here

"Aw, look, poor thing, they won't let her shop. Yeah - like those salesgirls in Beverly Hills aren't bigger whores than she is." ~ Romy White, "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion" (1997)

I bet more than just fluffies can relate to this:

You show up to an establishment you've never visited only to discover you're a fish out of water, like a group of Mennonites at a frat boy's bachelor party.

In my experiences, it involved discovering the hard way that a certain biz was either not fat-friendly or straight up fat-intolerant. Not naming names *cough*cough* The Plaza *cough*cough* but I have stumbled across a few such places and it never fails to surprise, disappoint and incense me.

As a gesture of consideration to my chunky brethren and... uhhh... sisteren? (That's not a real term is it? Pfft. Do over! See next sentence.) In support of mah fat peeps and their sizes-other-than-fat family and friends, I would like to give those living in or planning to visit my adopted home town of KCMO a little guidance to the more chub-accessible attractions.

Noms... this city has some good ones. Nice variety too, if you can tolerate the irritating lack of good Cajun food.

Asian food:

Saigon 39

According to some reviews, they serve substandard pho. I like pho but that isn't why I go to Saigon 39. Their chicken fried rice is wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-craving-it good and if you like peanut sauce, theirs is superb (but pricey).

Fat Tolerant: Has tables with metal chairs and booths. Chairs do not have arms and booth tables are not affixed. Crowd is always a mixed bag but not too teen-infested. Restroom is spacious. Staff is polite but don't show up close to closing time because you may have to get it to go.

Minuses: Not really wheelchair accessible and parking can be a bitch during peak hours.

*LGBT Friendly Bonus Points

Asian Tiger

Super yummy traditional and modern sushi, ah-mah-zing pan dishes and one of the best non-bar cocktail menus in town.

Fat Friendly: Has tables with wood chairs and booths. Chairs do have arms but they are wide-set and only partially the length of the seat. Booth tables are not affixed and seats are comfortable. Charming, pleasant usually-quiet atmosphere. Haven't seen a big group of teens dining unsupervised there yet, which is a Buffie-Bonus. Staff is polite and respectful. Wheelchair accessible.

Mexican food:

Pancho's

Simple but satisfying and inexpensive menu. Very casual local chain with 24/7 drive thru windows.

Fat Tolerant: I admit, I almost never dine in at Pancho's because drive-thru rocks and I'm always in a hurry. I view drive-thrus at places that aren't national chains as a nod (intentional or not) to the chunky monkey customer. The location I frequent has fixed-table booths only. I can squeeze into a booth if I can't avoid getting take out but it isn't comfortable. Staff is polite and respectful.

Minuses: The location on Main is not the best place to be for people traveling alone after dark. Have had close-encounters of the potentially intoxicated/violent/generally criminal kind one too many times in that area.

Sol Azteca (now called Sabor Y Sol)

I haven't been since they remodeled but I have it on good authority that it's the same management and menu, which leans Tex-Mex. *giddy* Excellent price/portion ratio and leftovers heat up beautifully for lunch the next day.

*UPDATE*  I've been to Sabor Y Sol a couple times since they re-opened and it's everything Sol Azteca was and more.  They now have made-fresh-when-you-order-it guacamole that will land your ass in rehab.  The interior is much brighter now.  Tables and chairs are still fat-friendly.  Staff is great.  FOOD IS INCREDIBLE and more than reasonably priced.

Fat Friendly: Has tables with metal chairs and booths. Booth tables are not affixed but the spacing can be tight depending on how busy they are. Ladies' room is spacious. Wheelchair accessible. Staff is polite and respectful.

American noms, like burgers and steaks, yo:

Courthouse Exchange

Best freaking burger on earth next to OKC's Belle Isle Brewery Honey Pepper Bacon Burger. Onion rings so incredible they won over notorious hater of onions, Mr. Buffie.

Fat Tolerant: It's down a flight of stairs in the basement of a historic building, so it's totally not wheelchair accessible. Has tables with wood chairs and booths. I think some of the booth tables may be affixed but I don't remember. Crowd is adult but can be lively later in the evening. Ladies' room is spacious. Staff is polite and respectful.

Hereford House

It's a KC staple known for incredible steak. Pricey but if you're craving a /real/ steak, it sooo fits the bill.

Fat Tolerant: I only rate it a "Tolerant" and not a "Friendly" because the staff (usually just the hostesses) can be on the rude teen/mean girl side. Has tables and booths. I think some booths have affixed tables. Crowd is sometimes overly yuppie but that's at every "classy" steak joint, right? Ladies' room is spacious. Wheelchair accessible.

Barbeque, (spelled the right way - with a q) also known as BBQ:

Rosedale Barbeque

This was my first experience with KC BBQ and it was love at first bite. Beef sammichs, ribs, burnt ends (which is a clever but unjust term for delicious chunks of smoked brisket), cole slaw and the most sinful french fries in nom history. Definitely has a "dive joint" vibe but isn't filthy gross or anything like that. Respectable selection of very cold beers.

Fat Friendly: Has tables with metal chairs that generously outnumber the fixed-table booths. Ladies' room is spacious. Wheelchair accessible. Staff is polite and respectful.

BB's Lawnside BBQ

Hybrid restaurant and blues bar that has, of all things, an amazing meatloaf dinner on the menu. Also try the BBQ nachos... yes NACHOS! Bar has both liquor and beer for those who prefer a cocktail instead of a brew with their smoked meats.

Fat Friendly: Family style tables with an assortment of metal chairs. Crowd is varied but never teen heavy. Ladies' room is spacious. Wheelchair accessible. Staff is polite and respectful.

Multifariousness for the multifattieousness...

More noms:

Waldo Pizza

I am generally NOT a fan of pizza but I am coo coo crazy for Waldo Pizza. My fave is a spicy beef and sun dried tomato pizza with honey-wheat crust and extra sauce. The ultimate combination of savory, cheesy, sweet, hot, crusty and chewy. Westport Room special ranch dressing contains crack, I'm pretty sure. Never tried to actually shoot up with it but the idea has crossed my mind. Impressive beer/liquor selection. This ain't your average Chuck E. Cheese folks.

Fat Friendly: Has tables with wood chairs and booths. I'm not 100% sure but I think the booths have fixed-tables. Crowd can attract teens and kids because pizza seems to have that effect but I have never been disturbed to the point of panic. Ladies' room is spacious. Wheelchair accessible. Staff is polite and respectful.

*LGBT Friendly Bonus Points

Movies:

Tivoli Cinemas

Mostly independent films. Some of my favorite movies I've watched here.

Fat Friendly: Theaters are on the 2nd floor but there's an elevator. Smaller size means every seat has a great view. Wheelchair accessible. Staff is wonderfully polite and respectful.

Minuses: Seats are older and on the small side but I'm able to wedge myself into them without much discomfort. Sit in the back if you need to stand up a couple times during the flick so you don't block the view of the people behind you. Decent leg room despite the seat width.

*LGBT Friendly Bonus Points

Bars:

Knucklehead's

If you're from KC and you long for the old Grand Emporium, Knucklehead's is a most suitable substitute and a regular Candye Kane tour stop. Blues, beer, liquor and noms. What else do you need?

Fat Friendly: Totally mixed bag of tables, chairs and booths. Crowd is fun but mature. No fratmosphere. Wheelchair accessible. Staff is polite and respectful.

Missie B's

Gay bar featuring delightful drag shows with unforgettable emcee - Dirty Dorothy.

Fat Friendly: Tables with regular chairs and bar stools. Ladies' room is spacious. Staff is polite and respectful, and in Dorothy's case, family.

*LGBT Friendly Bonus Points - Duh, obviously! LoL

Glamorousness:

Blo Salon Studio

If you think I have awesome hair, and I do (not bragging, just saying) then go to Blo and get some, too!

Fat Friendly: Salon seats have arms but they're wide set. Restroom is spacious. Wheelchair accessible. Staff is polite and respectful when it counts and devilishly hilarious the rest of the time.

*LGBT Friendly Bonus Points

Oasis Tan

Shut up, I know excessive tanning is supposed to be harmful, dangerous, whatever. I know, I know. But I don't overdo it and I cheat with spray tans. Speaking of spray tans, they have VersaSpa, and it's kickass.

Fat Tolerant: Variety of beds feature some larger, more spacious models. There is a weight limit and the staff I've dealt with answered my weight-limit questions professionally and respectfully. VersaSpa booth easily accommodates BBWs and most SSBBWs. Restroom is spacious. Wheelchair accessible. Staff is primarily young women who don't give off that "mean girl" vibe at all. That is a rare find in a tanning salon.

Shopping:

Mary Kay

Skin care and cosmetics that will rock your socks.

You know I had to put MK on my list. Hello! The consultant comes to /you/. Does it get more fat friendly than that!?

Lia Sophia

High quality costume jewelry sold via home parties. Like MK, LS consultants bring the shopping to you. Many of their necklaces are extra-long. Measurements for necklaces and bracelets are listed, eliminating the guesswork when it comes to fit.

And those are a few of my favorite things. By no means is this list complete. I would imagine there are many more fat friendly/tolerant places to haunt in the KC area and as I encounter them, I'll gladly share what I find.

Peace, fluff and equality,

~Buffie

Buffie's Super Awesome Friday

Fridays are usually awesome... just because they're Fridays, right? But do you every now and then have a SUPER awesome Friday?

I DO.

Today was a good example of one.

First bonus - weather was almost not hot.

Second bonus - got a lot done at work and am currently working on a fun project.

Next bonus - had excellent noms today with excellent peeps at lunch.

Bonus after that bonus - did a short workout but at least I was able to drag my ass to the Y.

Even one more bonus after that bonus - one of my favorite Pauly Shore movies is on TeeVee.

If I keep going I'm just bragging bonus - only thing left on my to-do list today.... chill with my kitty cats and Mr. B while he snores on the sofa. :D >He's not feeling great tonight, unfortunately. No, I don't think it's swine flu although I haven't ruled out Ebola virus.<

A bunch of other little righteous events occurred today but I don't want to gloat ...more than I already have.

Psst... what is this sound? *bzz*bzz*bzz*bzz Give up? That's me, sending Super Awesome Friday Vibes to the world! [Said in my best Jeremy Clarkson voice.)

People who don't watch Top Gear are not going to get that joke.

People who do watch Top Gear - High Fives! Yeah!

Ohkay, bye now.

One Peep Over the Line 26Mar09

Having grown up like I did... in a family that just doesn't do organized religion... Easter doesn't mean the same thing to me as it does a lot of other people. And it isn't a judgmental statement or a bad thing, it's just what it is.

To give you an idea of Easter in the Buffie Family, my mum sent me a card this week. It's says "It's not Easter 'til there's plastic grass coming out of the cat's butt."



Get the picture? LoL

My friend was talking about Peeps yesterday. It's been soooo long since I've had Peeps. So on the way home from work last night I got some at CVS. A package of 10. Chicks. Yellow.

They were all gone before dinner today. 



Spent most of the afternoon in a nervous sweat, vibrating like a cold Chihuahua. Not pretty. I did not, surprisingly, literally climb the walls, but I think I might know why people who are high on PCP always take off their clothes, climb a building and end up on COPS. It's been a ... day. It's been a day. That's all I can really say about it because I don't remember a whole lot other than dusting yellow-dyed sugar off my boobs and licking marshmallow off my fingers.

This is your brain. This is your brain on Peeps.

Original Sin - How it /rilly/ happened. 14Feb09

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Oops Kanye Did It Again... 25Jun08

You know you're a big whiney puss when your temper tantrums make the CNN headlines. Kanye has had at LEAST 3 or 4 of these by now. He's such a prima donna, I fully expect to see him featured on the next VH1 Divas Live. 

This time, it's everyone else's fault that his show was a couple hours late going on. He's the lone genius, surrounded by idiots who have offended him beyond the outer most edges of his tolerance. The tragedy! The pain! The despair! Poor rich boy's demands not met on timely basis, world comes to halt. Is that how you think it works Kanye? 

Listen this time, because I don't like repeating myself... there are people in this world with REAL problems. You are not one of those people. When YOU have a problem, you throw your pocket change at it and the problem disappears or becomes some under-paid assistant's problem. When someone like ME has a problem, I sure as shit don't get my own hissy fit featured on CNN. Nope. But I DO get to cry to my mum on the phone for a little bit, only for her to tell me to suck it up and deal with it. 

See how simple that is? Now, as you've been told before, please go pine, whine and complain in the privacy of your island vacation home on a white sand beach somewhere in the south Pacific. For shame.

I have a Subway update. Got a form-letter apology in my email today. Here it is...

"Tuesday, June 24, 2008


Dear Mrs S:

Thank you for taking the time to share your comments.

We were sorry to hear that you were offended by one of our recent television
commercials. We can assure you that no harm was intended and we apologize
for causing you concern.

The SUBWAYR Advertising Department works with a Board of Trustees, as well
as a national advertising agency and several local advertising agencies, to
develop national advertising that tells customers about our great products.
In addition, all of our ads are tested with numerous consumers before they
are aired to ensure that the overall reactions to the commercials are
positive. Our ads are meant to be fun and humorous and it was never our
intention to offend.

As a leader in the sandwich-making industry, we want sub-lovers everywhere
to know that SUBWAYR is dedicated to the concerned citizens that have helped
us grow our business. Again, thank you for taking the time to express your
views. Your input and concern is appreciated.

Sincerely, 



Rosemary Crispin x8201
Customer Care Representative

Customer ID:XXXXXXXXX"

First of all, I must wonder if this Rosemary Crispin is a real human or just some Subway practice of assigning different people names to their automated apology letter email servers.

Second, using Subway's reasoning that if it's said in humor then it's alright, we could say well, I know the joke was bigoted, but it was funny so you shouldn't be offended and if you are, I'm sorry, so we're cool right? Great, now buy my shit.

OR... we could use their focus-group reasoning. Mr. Subway Ad Guy has a meeting and he says, "Let's see, we want to make an ad that talks major smack on gay people. Good, good. Yes that sounds good. Alright, before we proceed, we need to run this by a focus group. Do you think those folks from the Westboro Church in Topeka are busy? Someone get Phelps on the phone for me."

I think I've proved my point, Subway. You're fucked up and not funny. Just admit it. Don't blow smoke up my ass with your I'm-sorry-but-I-was-only-trying-to-be-funny-and-besides-the-focus-group-said-it-was-good-and-did-I-forget-to-mention-we-bribed-them-with-money. Save it. Save your effing sammiches, too. I hope they all get old and moldy and I hope your marketing people all wake up tomorrow with one leg shorter than the other and hair growing where it shouldn't be. HA!

Dear Subway... 22Jun08

Dear Subway,

This is regarding your new ad about the guy who eats at the burger joint and suddenly needs new bigger clothes, a seat-belt extender, etc...

Note to your marketing geniuses... if you want a customer's money perhaps it is best not to insult them. I don't have a marketing degree as I am too fat, lazy, and stupid to earn one (sarcasm intended), but I would just guess that the first rule for winning the favorable attention of a person or group of people is to approach them with kindness, or neutrality at the very least.

But y'know, what do I know? I'm merely an ignorant fat person. Besides, I'm so paranoid (as your ad suggests) to even leave my home, let alone visit a Subway where all the thin, wonderful, perfect people dine.

All kidding and snideness aside (hey, y'all started by insulting ME first, just giving back a little of what I was given), I really used to like going to Subway. This might be news to you folks, but large people do NOT actually just sit at home, eating lard out of a bucket with a spoon. Sometimes we do eat good, healthy food. Amazing? Yes, I know. 

Subway isn't perfect though. You folks have lots of sodium filled lunch meats, which aren't exactly good for the arteries. Let's not forget your wide choice of high calorie sodas, cookies, and chips. So to suggest your company is the end-all of health food... (hey, that's the same as suggesting what you do about fat people -we're in need of therapy? Ring a bell?) ...it's about as much of a stretch as my elastic waist pants.

Anyway, here's the deal, you start making ads that are either *truly* effing hilarious (hire John Pinette, if he'll have your sorry ass) or you start making ads that are LESS obnoxious, stereotypical, lame, rude, and then maybe, JUST maybe I will consider coming back to a Subway. Don't forget, I'm a fat sow, so I spend a crap-ton of money on your mayo-filled, salt encrusted, foot long sandwiches, and your delicious eat-em-by-the-dozen cookies. Deal? 

=) 

Very best regards,
Buffie S.
Missouri

The Curse 04Dec07

2007 has NOT been kind to Buffie. 

I started the year with the mysterious loss of a toenail. (Alright, it wasn't that mysterious. I tripped over a shoe sneaking to the potty in the middle of the night and broke it, but didn't know it until the next day.)

Then... I got SARS followed by bird flu, then monkey pox. That's how it felt anyway. Turns out it was just a vicious case of bronchitis and I was starting to develop pneumonia. Thankfully my immune system woke itself up and fought back before I totally succumbed to the nasties. 

THEN... I drop a HOT curling iron down my shirt. Burned the fucking hell out of my left booby. How much did that suck? You have no idea.

It gets better... a couple days after the curling iron scar starts to heal, I break a toe! I effing BROKE my toe. WTF! It was exactly how people say, too. You think you have stubbed it really bad, but then you look down and it's pointing the wrong way and the horror sets in about the same time the pain does. Geezus. Mr. Buffie picked up my foot, very carefully examined my toe and without warning he grabbed it and pulled it straight. Pretty sure the neighbors 3 blocks away heard me squeal. That was some wicked pain. The days after were fascinating, watching it turn so many shades of purple, green, blue, red and yellow. Fascinating and disgusting. Walking was OK, but there were no heels in my wardrobe for weeks. Blah! It's also true what they say that you can't do anything for a broken toe. I called my doc and she said if it was straight, the best she could do would be to tape it to my other toes and send me on my way... Hells bells, I could do that myself. 

Then I got sick again... this time it was a different strain of 3rd world disease all coming together in my sinuses to make me wish I were dead. Completely unfair.

Sold my Jaguar. Made me sad for a while because that was the fucking sweetest ride I'll ever have. Nigel was a kickass car. However, Nigel was starting to make a strange noise. We could never figure out what it was. Strange noises in British cars mean cubic dollars spent on parts and labor only for a new strange noise to develop two months later. Time to go back to American automobiles. Got me a damn fine Z28 and named him Billy Idol. But what do I discover after having him for a month? There's a DEAD SPIDER -INSIDE- my instrument panel. Did you know the front glass on the instrument panel cannot be removed? It can't. Not without removing the entire dash. Yes, the whole goddamned enchilada. There's a dead motherfucking spider stuck right under my oil pressure gauge. GGGGGRRRRRRRRRR!!! 

Had an abscess in my lower jaw in June. Not my idea of a good time. Had some x-rays done and the dentist thought it was just some freak thing we would 'keep an eye on' but felt like antibiotics would do the trick. They did... but it hurt like hell in the meantime. Blah!

Found a great house... moved in July. JULY. July in Missouri is like being in an oven with a pot of water. Humid, hot and no damn wind at all. Moving in July is punishment for crimes I must have committed in a former life because this is the 3rd time I've done it.

Developed a nice case of chronic hives in August. Doc can't figure it out. Allergist can't figure it out. Holistic healer guru can't figure it out. They all strongly suspect I'm allergic to the shrimps. No one loves the shrimps more than I love the shrimps. But now I cannot eat the shrimps. I think the shrimps did this to me. It was shrimp revenge. They feared I would eat them ALL. Here's a warning to you shrimps! If I ever find out the cause of my red itchy welts, and it ISN'T a seafood allergy, you better run and hide because I'll be on you like a Buffie on shrimps! HA!

Moving right along... things at work are in a constant state of chaos. My boss, who was the most awesome individual ever and the best boss I will ever have in my life, quit unexpectedly. I stand behind her decision, but I'm so very sad. Things are just wrong around there without her. Completely wrong. She is missed every day.

Went in for my dreaded annual mammogram. Having one's boobs smashed mercilessly in a torture device invented by Satan himself is something a woman shouldn't have to endure EVER, but because God is clearly a man and secretly hates us all, we get to do this crap on a yearly basis! Just like a birthday, only shitty! Yay! What happens next? The radiologist thinks there's something in one of my films, so I get to go back a few weeks later and have it done AGAIN! Oh the joy! The happiness! What a thrill! What was it? Turned out to be nothing. I'm glad for that, don't misunderstand me... but since I had an extra one this year, can I skip it next year? Please?

In case my feet haven't been through enough this year, I break ANOTHER TOE recently. Yes, another one!!! Same foot, different toe. What is WRONG with me? This time it was in broad daylight and I tripped over a chair. Maybe my boobs blocked me from seeing it or else I have inner-ear balance issues, but I totally snagged myself on a chair. I'm special.

To top it all off, last week, dental surgery. No, I'm not kidding! Molar extraction! Came out of no where!!! I was having some pain in a tooth where I had undergone a root canal about a year before... same one that abscessed in June. We know why it abscessed now... root was cracked so the root canal never fully healed at all. 2007 has clamied a Buffie toe nail AND a Buffie tooth. That's fucked up.

2008, you can't get here soon enough! Please hurry!!! I'm scared I'll wake up missing a nostril or something awful like that. 

Oh... 2007... fuck you!

Back from Boston 04Nov07

It's been a week since I've been back from Boston. Mostly I have thought about my friends and food. ... and the fact that traffic is not THAT nuts in Kansas City. 

Got to see my dearest Lisa! That rocked so hard core! ~waves to Lisa~ So happy to see her and have sushi with her and laugh about wacky shit and I can't wait to do it again!!! She still rocks red lips like no one I've ever seen before. 

Also spent a lot of time with Gwen!!! All fabulous, all the time, yes a rockstar all the way! Her latest Malice in Wonderland photos are evidence of that. Miss Olivia, complete bombdiggity doll with the sweetest smile! Sassy, all that and more and then some and more. Nicole, always a sugar and what a killer rack! 

And of course, the Big Cuties. My wonderful BC sisters! It's like being in the best soroity ever created! Except we don't live together and stuff. But still, we're all members of a very kickass group of hot chicks. 

It was such a great trip! I'm glad to be home, but I miss y'all! Pout Pout Pout. I miss the FOOOOOOOD. Ohmigawd, the food. 

Thursday was fish and chips and coleslaw and broiled swordfish and butternut squash from the Sea Witch. Mmmmmm, so delicious. Dinner was liquor and Dunkin Donuts. How excellent is that?! YEAH! Mr. Buffie proclaimed it Best Fish n Chips EVER. I agree.

Friday was roast beef, onion rings, Gwen's cheese n bacon fried and a fish sandwich from Kelly's. Excellent, but the service was shitty. For dinner was Samba teppanyaki at Samba in Framingham. I think the tiny Asian wait-staff was a little worried by the hungry and proud of it group of groovy BBWs and the men who adore us. We ate the house. Heather, thank you so much for the invite. It was fantastic! We had sushi, followed by steak, vegetables, rice, curry sauce and not nearly enough of it. I could have eaten more. Yummm!

Saturday we enjoyed good old pizza and beer. 

Sunday came too soon and it was time to go, but we made a last minute cruise through Salem (a total madhouse, people EVERYWHERE yuck) but found a very creepy cool old cemetary and walked around there for a while. Hee hee hee! Perfect thing to do! Saw a mob pay off at Bill n Bob's Roast Beef. Way better than Kelly's roast beef, way better service too (if not a teensy bit hard to understand, the accent! Awesome)! Killer french fries, too. Enjoyed dinner at the airport. How often do you hear people say that? LOL We did enjoy it though. There's a Legal Seafood at Logan! Mr. Buffie had gumbo. Strange choice on the east coast, but it wasn't half bad. I enjoyed a grilled to perfection tuna steak with steamed broccoli and mashed new potatoes. Heavenly. Had a mojito for desert.

Even on the plane home I had my Midwest hot chocolate chip cookies. I was worried they had discontinued to practice since I was denied cookies on the flight up. A fricking GRANOLA BAR was given to me instead. Hrmph. I need not your granola, Midwest. I pay extra for your fucking cookies goddammit. You have extra wide leather seats. That means you welcome my chunky butt. You want my chunky money, you give me cookies. See how that works? Not on one flight but on EVERY flight. You promised! You know weeks in advance I'll be there. Just meet me at the gate with cookies and ginger ale. I order the same thing every time, geez. Don't you keep track? You skip my cookies and someone's going to have a bloody nose, understand me? 

All in all, what a great way to spend a fall break! Halloween in Boston is like Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Too much fun! Oh the costume contest! I forgot to talk about that. Truth is, I don't remember much of it because I was most tipsy! LOL But judging from the pictures, it was a good time. Hee hee hee. Will post some on my profile pics. =)

The only bummer was not having Misse there to enjoy it, too. She's such a dedicated student though I understand why she takes school so seriously. That's why she rules!

Hugs to all my girlie friends! Mmmmmmuaaahhhh!

The Egg Salad Rant 03Oct07

The following prose is entitled "The Egg Salad Rant" and it is reprinted here with permission from the author, me, and was originally sent to Mr. Buffie via email on 24 September 2007. I'm putting it here because 1, Mr. Buffie tells everyone about it anyway, which is stupid. And 2, one of those people he told is the creepy type who steals other people's stupid and pretends it's their own stupid. Is that not fecking stupid?

Food Network is such a trip tonight!

They're talking about egg salad. Which is disgusting, ok? I know like 3 people who like egg salad and they're all OLD. No offense to old people because with any luck, we will be old some day. But seriously, name 3 people around your age or my age who like egg salad. Barf!

So they're interviewing this woman who's a rep for the shit I fogot the name... uhhh... had to back it up. -shudder- It looks so nasty! Reser's. (That jello stuff you like is Reser's. Hmmm... lol... You know Mr. Buffie, it's a slippery slope from jello salad to Luby's Cafeteria at 4pm on a Friday. Haa ha aha haaaaaa.)

The Reser's rep woman is being interviewed and she takes her egg salad effing seriously, alright? There is NOTHING FUNNY about egg salad. They make 4 kinds of egg salad and MOST people like egg salad the plain old fashioned way. Just eggs and mayo... (gag gag gag hack hack hack cough cough cough) She says this all Bueller Bueller Bueller Anyone Bueller except it's m o s t p e o p l e l i k e e g g s a l a d t h e o l d f a s h i o n e d w a y j u s t e g g s a n d m a y o .

I like eggs. I like mayo, but that is just WRONG. It's like pouring milk over ice cream. Only grosser! Makes no goarshdanged sense at all. 

You'd be laughing at this woman. She's a middle-aged-school-marm female-Napoleon-Dynamite, except not funny but she's funny because she's not funny. You get that, right? 

Now I'm sad for her. Aww. She probably needs a friend. I'm mean. ... But not all the time and I'd never be mean to her face. That still doesn't make it right. Forgives?

Ohkay, later they have a rep from Hungry Man talking about the salisbury steak TV dinners. If he hooked up with the Reser's rep lady, their kids would be serial killers. I'm not kidding. He has the "thousand mile stare" which is NOT a good quality in a person who works in a place where whole cows are gound up in to processed meat food product extract. It's like the mob owning a hot dog plant. Ewww.

Now you, too, know the Egg Salad Rant. ... no, really, that's all there is. Seriously, that's the whole thing. Right, you're absolutely right, it is lame. I know. I knew it was lame when I wrote it. I was drunk, but that's irrelevant. At least I don't drive when I drink like some people. Yes, I'm judging people who drink and drive. They suck. 

If you're nice, I'll share with you the "Smell Good Things/Smell Bad Things" Rant.

Ready?

I work in the last smoking-permitted office in western culture, right. Yeah, not kidding. They have a great 401k, that's why. Besides, my job is awesome and I work with cool peeps. I mostly dig it.

The "smoking thing" has been an ongoing battle. Sort of like the Cold War, except everyone is suddenly friends when there's beer or food to be shared. Plus no one spies. At least not that I know of. Although there were threats for a while to put cameras in the bathrooms but that is such a long story and you really don't want to hear it and it is not interesting... not that the "Smell Good Things/Smell Bad Things" Rant is interesting, but let's face it, you're reading my blog - clearly "interesting" isn't something you seek at this particular moment. Prima facie evidence, that's all I'm sayin.

Anyway, on this side of the ring, we have the smokers who will smoke from beyond the grave if they can figure out how to make it happen. And in this corner we have the people who used to smoke and sympathize with the smokers. And in THIS OTHER corner, we have the vegan non-smokers who only breathe recycled bottled hepa-filtered purified air! And in THIS OTHER CORNER OVER HERE we have the people who used to smoke and have gone deep deep deep into the other extreme and hate smoking even more than the granola munching gym rat vegans in That Corner. AND IN THE MIDDLE we have the people who don't smoke, don't care and just wish we could get on with the day although we would prefer not to breathe the smoke we're a little more tolerant than some people people. Got that? Oh, shoot. Almost forgot... and mingled thoughout the extra spaces in the ring, we have the people who don't smoke, don't eat organic and just want to complain about whatever is convenient because they enjoy being squeaky wheels and there's nothing wrong with that we all like attention sometimes people people. Whew.

Apparently someone had a real bad time today because of someone else's air freshener and that person took it to HR who issued an email that all "smell good" things are banned from the office. I don't make this stuff up, folks. Sorry for that person, if you got sick from someone's "smell good" things because that has happened to me before when I've gone to church with my Aunt (as a favor for her) and sat behind the row of ladies who confused their perfume with a vat of human marinade and soaked in it overnight then got up early before church and went for a nice, long, hot, humid, moldy run through a field of cat turds and dried flowers. Totally feel your pain, I do. Also, sorry if I assumed you were just being a pain in the ass but weren't really. Oh, and piss off. That I said just because I can. It's my blog, I do what I want. Hee hee hee!

Email basically says "smell good" things are causing problems and there will be none more at work. Bummer for me because I happen to enjoy a couple of co-workers who have these neato flame-less candle smell good things.

... Me, being one of the people in the middle of the ring but also sometimes on the complainer side of the ring decided to pop off my mouth about it, in yet another email to Mr. Buffie who proceeds to embarrass me in electronic format by sharing more of my (what I thought was private) stupidity with other people. 

Here it is:

Let me get this straight... "smell good" things are bad!?!? But it's alright if the guy on the next floor up SMOKES HIS PIPE and farts his brains out in the elevator!?!?! 

Makes me wonder what clout-wielding sting-bomb smoking cry-baby whined to HR about someone's plum berry mountain breeze spring laundry rain melon hazelnut cucumber butt cheese magnolia pine needle candle!? How much do you want to bet this wasn't even about what "smell good things". I wonder if it's about someone getting mad at someone else, having no REAL cause for complaint and coming up with the smell-good-things-make-my-happy-place-turn-sad as the next best thing. Only theorizing. 

Everyone knows smelling nice is an offensive assault on the olfactory senses! Of course it is. How dare someone have "smell good things" in the office! 

Reeking of over cooked nicotine, skipping a shower after working up a gnarly pungent STENCH in the gym at lunch, having vodka vapors to waft from your pores, and blasting flatulence in your wake is more than socially acceptable. In fact, it's even admirable in some cultures! 

Groan!

The End.

Brad Sherman (D-CA) looks like a penis wearing glasses. 

Ohkay, I'm really done now. Had to get that out of my system.