Knowing That We Know Nothing

I never met Mr. Buffie's grandma, but he remembers her well and talks about her fondly.  So it is almost like I know her.  She came from Paris, TN, was a fantastic cook and had unflappable faith in her beliefs.

Mr. Buffie says she was never afraid of death, because she knew she would go to Heaven.  Honestly, that sounds nice, comforting.

The part of me who believes unicorns might exist likes to think that when I die, my 'soul' becomes a magical butterfly and floats up to a puffy pink infinite cloud made of glitter and cotton candy.

Then the logical part of me comes along with a giant flyswatter...

Someone special died unexpectedly yesterday and I have a feeling she was a lot like Mr. Buffie's grandma.  She and I never talked about her faith but I knew she had it.

Today was surreal and everyone is understandably brokenhearted.  No one bothered to ask 'how are you' like they usually do because we all knew the answer.  We also know she would not want us to mope around like this for long because she would prefer we celebrate life and we will... after we compose ourselves.

Last night was sleepless.  I kept thinking about how (if) I could cope if the same thing happened to my parents or Mr. Buffie.  There hasn't been a lot of loss in my life.  Not the punch-you-in-the-chest-never-saw-it-coming kind of loss.  I'm completely happy with specific delusions I carry, among them that certain people (and cats) are immortal.  Please don't bother trying to set me straight on that because I am not interested in your real world truth and facts on this particular matter.

However, having never had to recover from profoundly devastating loss, I have no idea how other people do it.  I guess I assume they mourn forever, that the pain is always present and anything positive, joyful or fun that happens afterwards doesn't feel as good.

But I don't know.  How would you even ask such a question without sounding like the world's most insensitive bastard?  "Hi there, when your most favorite person in the world died, how did you get on with life?"  See what I mean?


I wish I could have known Mr. Buffie's grandma.  She would have answered my awkward questions about death and the seemingly impossible idea of being comfortable with it.  And she probably would have chirped in my lobes for being atheist.  Several times in my life I have sincerely attempted to make myself believe.  I now know it will never happen.  Some pills you simply can't swallow and my life is right without religion.


A point?  I don't really have one other than if you were thinking of doing something, do it now.  I can't tell you anything about faith or even a lack of it.  I can just tell you that you never know what will happen next.