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| Warren Barret S. 1993-2015 Whimsey Bratcat S. 2000-2016 |
Maybe this happens to everyone but it's only now happening to me in the last several months.
Birthdays aren't as fun anymore. It's still a day to feel special and spend extra time with friends and family. And of course the goodies. Tasty treats. Delicious dinners. Cards. Abundant good vibes.
Today though, I mostly felt a combination of nervous and sad.
I miss Warren. Desperately.
I sleep so I can see him in my dreams.
Anything that marks the passing of time reminds me that time is the most precious thing of all.
Birthdays mark the passing of time right across my face.
I do like my stuff. And having money means you can access certain comforts.
Would it be cool as hell to wake up in a Malibu mansion, hop in my '68 Charger and go shopping for kittens and makeup until I can't walk? You know it would!
But meh.
What I truly want now is time. I want to be with my parents. I want to be with Mr. B. I want to be with my kitties and my friends. Time with them is the most important reason to do anything.
More than anything in the world, I want time with Warren again.
My days are filled with lost opportunities to use my time, fleeting time, to DO what matters. To be with these people.
Spoon supplies often run low or out completely.
I try to push myself. React to obstacles. Recover from stumbles. All the usual efforts. Mostly not so bad.
Flare ups are strange. Definitely affected by changes in weather.
Yes, science is the only thing I believe in. I realize science doesn't support this pain and weather relationship. My own doctor thinks there must be a connection despite what she learned in med school because she has too many patients who are clearly affected. You can't fake swelling in your joints.
Sometimes a flare is but a day long event.
This last one, however, started at least two weeks ago and it's still going strong.
This dumb condition evaporates a tragic amount of my time.
I'm nearly obsessed with time.
It has become clear that time is what drives me.
My achievements are measured in time. I measure my paycheck in time. Anything I can do that will allow me more time with the life forms I cherish, I will do what my resources allow.
For the entirety of my conscious life, I believed I would experience increasing happiness as I acquired more life-comforts and perks like fast machines and sprawling square footage.
Now I know better.
The way to truly live my life in happiness is use as much of that invaluable time as I can being with the ones I love.
