The innocence of huge fucking knockers

Our friend insomnia brought me to a Pinterest page devoted to "bad" cosmetic surgery.

Now if you're going to hate, I feel like you owe it to the hate-ee to at least be fair, honest and specific.

"Bad" plastic surgery, first of all, is determined by the recipient, not the observer. If you don't like what you're seeing, turn your fucking neck or shut your face. It's that simple.

Now, about fairness. It is NOT fair to compare a Marie Osmond photo from 1977 and one from 2011 when she's three weeks out from a mini-lift or something and be all like, OMFG, her face is melting off her head. Ewwwww!!!!

NO. She's not 14 anymore, dummy. Can you do math? And here's a novel concept, the human body takes TIME to heal from any surgical procedure. Not only the cosmetic ones.

Despite the sexy name, cosmetic surgery does cause temporary swelling and bruising. The best a person can do is take care of themselves and let the body heal. It does take time. It can take a year or more to grow into a lifted face. F'real. I'm speaking from some bits of personal experience, k?

Honesty matters, even when you're being a snotface. If you dislike someone just because their lip injections look fierce and you're jealous, try not being jealous and see if that helps before slapping up an unflattering and/or OBVIOUSLY digitally manipulated image and perpetuate a falsehood of said photo being the result of "bad" plastic surgery. Use your damn brain. You have one, right?

Now, specifics. There are surgical mistakes, quackery, extremes, etc. Then there's bad makeup, bad light, unflattering haircuts; all manner of polishing one's look can go a-wonk sometimes.

If it is indeed a cosmetic surgery gone awry, fine, if you must 'call someone out' then say so. But if it's a shitty makeup job, don't call that surgery. Because, well, it isn't. Duh.

Lastly, the fact that a person feels the need to devote a rather full Pinterest page of random-ass, misinformation-filled comments and images of alleged 'bad' cosmetic surgery says FAR more about the Pinner than it does about my huge fucking knockers, which have done absolutely nothing bad to you, me or anyone else, for that matter. They're actually rather awesome pillows. But you'll never know because you deserve to sleep on a burlap sack full of rusty thumbtacks.

I'm working on it.

Suicidal thoughts legitimately plagued me for six years of my life, a long time ago. And it's a time I'm happy to mostly forget. 

Dark thoughts can leave scars. And my scars manifest themselves in bad habits, like always questioning myself and absorbing blame and responsibility for things that have nothing to do with me.

But like the saying goes, before I diagnose myself as being broken, let me ask for feedback from impartial parties.

I'm being "watched" by an anonymous person per my superior. Online activity specifically.

Social media is what I do professionally. So yeah, it's safe to say I'm going to be on Facebook most of the time. And even with all those hours logged, I average less than one post a day on my own wall. 

I don't consider myself an "expert" in anything. But I am an adult. I am a professional. I'm ethical. And I don't mean to brag, but I'm smarter than the average bimbo. Aside from the usual identity precautions, I have nothing to hide.

I am diligent about my work. I do it to the best of my ability. I own my mistakes and I never stop looking for ways to improve quality and efficiency. 

In return, I do have a few simple, reasonable expectations.

Treat me like the adult I am. Don't feed me a crock of corporate secrecy junk about watchers whose identity I'm not allowed to know. It ain't the fucking CIA. 

This isn't the first time an anonymous individual has targeted me in Redneckville. I must be a glutton for punishment because I keep going back for more. 

Who knew my cubicle life was so interesting to these 'watchers.'

Another thing I expect is to be corrected for MY OWN mistakes. Last time I checked, I can't control anyone else. But this 'watcher' maybe thinks I can?

So am I fucked up for being angry about the secrets and other assorted bullshittery? Or am I fucked up for refusing to silently tolerate it?

Or am I just fucked up?

I'll never be perfect. But for the sake of 'the watchers' I'm working on it. 

The man who found 'the beautiful ones' said:

“Our success in being human has so far derived from our honoring deviance more than tradition. Template changing always has gained a slight, though often tenuous, lead over template obeying. Now we must search diligently for those creative deviants from which, alone, will come the conceptualization of an evolutionary designing process. This can assure us an open-ended future toward whose realization we can participate.”

John B. Calhoun

Behavioral researcher, ecologist and ethologist

If you desire a blown mind, Google him.

Dear Velocity channel...

Hellooo there people from the TeeVee who will never read this, I would like to provide you with tips and suggestions for improving your products. Totally free of charge too. Think of the money you're saving on focus groups you are clearly not using anyway.

Now I'm just a fluffy bimbo with a fake law degree and a real license to Glam, but my credentials include being daughter of The Bob and wife of the Mr. Buffie. I do believe that qualifies me as a legitimate gearhead.

When giving someone less than positive feedback, you should begin with a compliment. So let's talk about what you're doing right. 

"Overhaulin'"

Perhaps I'm biased because I sense the same wizardry in Chip Foose that my dad and husband share.

This show has a wonderful premise, mischievous fun with 'the mark.' Shop 'drama' is limited to unexpected issues with the vehicle. Not trumped up soap opera theatrics between bearded apes in bowling shirts.

The end result never fails to bring a smile during the reveal. Good vibes, "Overhaulin'" brings them.

"Wheeler Dealers"

British accents. Moving on...

"What's My Car Worth?"

Informative. No petty fake bickering or tantrums. Interesting and unique cars and only a few annoying American style awful yodeling auctions along with proper, fun to watch, British style auctions. 

Not a bad list, eh?

Here are some shows you're almost getting right.

"Graveyard Carz"

Mopars are in the blood. And these cars in addition to Mark's knowledge, it's gold. But the constant in-fighting? Bitch, puhleeze. If I want to see a bunch of divas having spaztasms I'll watch "RuPaul's Drag Race." (Which I love, btw.) Sure, Mark can serve but queens shame him without even trying. Oh, and, THE SHOW DOESN'T NEED IT. Why put bad mojo in the air like that??? Stahp.

Assorted other information, how-to type shows are fine. Some are too in-your-face with the sponsored products but I understand you gotta keep the lights on. 

Good things you could be doing:

Show us films or documentaries about the people who have shaped the various automotive achievements or unique hobbiests and/or builders such as "Urban Outlaw" featuring Magnus Walker.

I realize you have a "Girls' Garage" show but it's boring and I couldn't make it through a single episode. Why not simply introduce more women into your existing lineup? What's wrong with throwing a touch more girlie appeal up in there? You can only stand to increase your advertiser base. You know I'm right. Huge untapped market, friends. The boat. You're missing it. 

Things you are doing flat ass WRONG:

"Texas Car Wars"

Where do I even begin with this hot mess? Ohkay, the narrator is all 'Dukes of Hazzard' (AKA Southern accent) and he should have gone totally Tommy Lee Jones (Texas accent). Then there's the headliner fabric in the Hobby Lobby bag. Omfg, what reputable shop would ever be or remain in business without utilizing professional wholesale suppliers of automotive upholstery? Like, hi, please tell me that isn't for real. All these shops have questionable business practices at best. Why can't you make a real version of this show? I'd watch it. Good shops are out there. Find them. 

"Barrett-Jackson"

I realize you didn't start this fire but you're letting it continue to burn so shame on you all the same. This unwatchable swill has obliterated the market and nearly destroyed the shade-tree hobby for everyone but the very wealthy. Not. Cool.  If you must continue with this absurdity, I insist you replace the auctioneers with Christopher Walken, Gilbert Gottfried and Jeremy Clarkson. 

I've also noticed your lineup includes no "Top Gear." There are 14 seasons of episodes and specials from which to choose. Show them, maybe? (And no, nobody wants American Shitty Top Gear so don't even think about it.)

Well, aside from designing my own line of custom vehicles for your shows to create, that's a good start for you.

When shall I expect to see the beginnings of Glambozation on Velocity?

And lastly:

You're welcome!!! 💋😸💖

I'm still here

If someone asked me in 1990 if I would see 2015 and I was forced to give an honest answer and not some diplomatic fib, I'd have said no.

No because I didn't think I'd survive the torment another four years. No because they might have pushed me into violent, criminal acts. No because of substances or recklessness generally. 

Against my own odds, it really is 2015. And I'm still here. 

Scarred, weak at times. But better off than I ever expected to be. Better off than maybe I deserve. 

2020, 2025, the honest answer, I think definitely maybe. Perhaps hopefully.

Directions are as much a mystery as they ever were. Sometimes my ego lets me have the delusion of steering my own ship. Reality is that seas change without warning and we are all very tiny organisms in a universe so vast, many refuse to fathom because the idea of it is too frightening. 

The universe doesn't scare me, though. 

If anything, its vastness is what gives me hope that maybe there is a meaning to this life.