The zombies... drive Chevy Cavaliers. 29Oct08

Let me disclaim. Which really isn't fair because I don't want to seem like I'm avoiding ownership of my opinion. That isn't the case. I am personally accountable for what I say, whether it's popular or not. But I don't want to come across as more snotty than I really am.

Truth be told, I'm not that stuck up. Only a little bit. Not so stuck up that I don't have friends. Maybe it isn't even actual stuckuppedness. 

Off topic, I'm getting way off topic. Let's just say I am no more or less judgmental than the next person. Difference being that unlike a few, I admit it and I try to be objective and not think "oh I'm perfect and everyone else has problems".

I am not perfect and I don't ever try to be perfect. I am only myself. To add though, I am very very very most completely thankful that I am NOT a zombie and knock on wood, I hope to never become a zombie some day.


About these zombies. 

I think that maybe they don't know they're zombies. I get the impression that the zombies think they're awake or alive. They're numb and unaware of the fact that the conscious people observe them drifting among us, thinking they're found but being dead lost.

Tonight I saw a zombie walking through the grocery. She had two or three young zombies with her, all aimlessly meandering throughout the aisles without a care as to staying on the proper path. In your way, in mine, no matter. 

The zombies don't even know we are there. To see us is to acknowledge they're not the undead. Trip over them if you want. Sometimes you can't help but do that. Zombies are often unavoidable and cause you to stumble over them. Don't worry. They don't mind. They don't even realize they've had an encounter with you. Some of them may say "oops", "excuse me", or "sorry", but don't mistake this for anything but a zombie reflex. They're born with the ability to mimic certain traits shared by the living, but none of the things they do are borne out of conscious decision making.

In the parking lot, one of the living was hauling a long, heavy, bulky row of shopping carts back into the lobby. The zombies and their zombie children came floating out of the store, pushing their zombie carts full of zombie food, never once stopping to notice that when they walk 5 abreast, the poor cognizant human, huffing and puffing to shove the train of carts, has to perform Marvel comic like maneuvers to avoid crushing one of the lost zombie offspring.

But what can we, the living, the knowing, the aware, what can we do? The problem is so much bigger than we are.

Try as we do, what with anti-zombie legislation to keep them off cell phones when they're driving, or printing big bold warnings on things to prevent zombies from accidentally harming themselves... nothing ever helps. They still go to McDonald's and dump hot coffee in their laps. Unfortunately, injury usually jolts a zombie into sudden life and for reasons unknown to god and science, newly alive zombies tend to file lawsuits against the living.

Now about this disclaimer... I am pro-equality in very many ways. I think people should be treated fairly no matter what they look like, no matter who they sleep with (consenting adults only plz), no matter their spiritual trappings, no matter their socioeconomic status, blah blah blah.

But... where zombies are concerned. Well... I think I have to draw the line. I mean, I wouldn't have a problem with zombies having the right to vote, but since zombies ALREADY have the right to vote and they keep picking OTHER zombies to run things, this is obviously not helping any of us. The economy is in the shitter and frankly, almost all the mistakes can be linked directly to zombies and their zombie behavior.

Same thing about zombie marriage. I wouldn't mind if they had the right to marry other zombies OR other members of the living world. In fact, like voting, zombies already DO enjoy that freedom and you know what they're doing with it? Making MORE zombies. Data has shown that the zombie gene, ironically enough, is dominant over the gene for consciousness. So even if a zombie marries and reproduces with a non-zombie, the result will still be a zombie.

Zombies cause over 99% of traffic fatalities. The National Highway Study Committee of Very Smart People compiled reports of traffic accidents involving zombies for the last 20 years and the results were rock solid. Most zombie behavior is found to be dangerous when performed while driving. In fact, zombie behavior in and of itself is in direct opposition to the act of operating a motor vehicle. Almost every thing a zombie does, such as living with one's zombie head rammed clean up one's zombie ass, is impossible to do behind the wheel in a safe and responsible fashion.

Does this make me sound like some sort of Hitler? I hope not. Please don't misunderstand, I am NOT proposing any sort of zombie genocide, because that is clearly wrong. Zombies shouldn't be killed just for being zombies. They're dead already anyway... kinda. Pfft. Not really. I mean they're not /living/ but they're not /dead/ either. Technically, they're the "undead". So y'know, can you really kill a zombie? Besides, with their rate of reproduction, there's still no way to effectively and humanely control the zombie population.

Like cockroaches, we just have to deal with them. Although cockroaches actually serve a purpose. I'm trying to think if zombies have a purpose... Hrm... 

Well, zombies do purchase zombie products which creates jobs for those who work in the zombie product manufacturing industry. Zombies also spend money on celebrity worship, fad diets, and craptacular made-just-for-money movie sequels, so I guess that's some sort of financial stimulation, although it seems to me a bit like a self-maintaining fire that doesn't do anything else but burn itself. Sort of pointless. Not exactly *my* idea of a 'purpose', but since we're talking zombies, I can't really use my personal standards by which to measure them. That's unfair to zombies.

In closing, I would like to say that world peace would be super. In order to achieve this, we're going to have to stop letting zombies make rules and we're also going to have to do something about the evil zombies, because there are a few. 

But good luck with that last part, because it isn't like I have an actual plan or anything. I just felt like bitching about zombies. They annoy me.

The end.

If you don’t talk to your husband about Crocs, who will? 12Oct08

I didn't even know. There were no warning signs. No indications he would ever go there.

But after witnessing him in this state for two days in a row, I'm just beside myself.

I didn't even know there was a reason to worry. I thought it was common sense. Don't put your hand in boiling water. Don't walk in front of a speeding train. Don't cover your ass in honey and sit on a fire ant hill.

There was a time, not that long ago, he even teased a guy at work who wore them. Like me, he would see them and say "damn those things are ugly". Why would I ever have reason to suspect?

It began with a suggestion from some of the people at the gym. His feet were getting torn up by the textured bottom of the pool during volleyball, and many of the seniors wear Crocs to protect their feet from the same thing. They suggested he get a pair. 

Begrudgingly, he got some this week. He was so turned off to the idea that he wouldn't even try them on at the store. 

We brought them home and they sat untouched until Thusday. He eventually tried them on and proclaimed that he finally understood the hype. 

"These are really comfortable!" -- The words every wife hopes she will never, ever hear. 

He hasn't even looked at his other shoes since then. 

And if that's not enough to turn my world upside down.

He's now decided he likes cowboy hats.

WTF people. Is this what happens if a guy has a mid-life crisis but he already owns a sports car and a much younger wife? He goes fashional-ly insane?

We're not talking rock and roll cowboy hat ala 1999/2000. This is a Stetson in a nice muted shade of taupe. The kind of hat a cowboy would wear to a fancy restaurant in his clean boots and best pressed jeans. It's all perfect and I guess it's made out of beaver which is disgusting. 

So help me. So help us all. So help him and the hair on his chinny-chin-chin if I catch him in the Stetson and the Crocs at the same time. 

Let this be a lesson to you all.

If you don't talk to your husband about Crocs...... who will?

Do you really know what you think you know? 03Oct08

I have fake boobs. 

I have never lied about it. Never tried to deny it. Never been ashamed of it. Didn't con anyone to pay for them. Didn't hate myself before I had them. Didn't get them to fix a relationship or please another person.

I have fake boobs. 

That's all. It's the same as saying I have long hair.

But for reasons unknown to me, there are some people who seem to think that my having fake boobs means a plethora of other things, such as:



I am shallow.

(Granted, I'm not "serious", but that doesn't equal shallow. I have depth, I just don't wallow around in a humor-less fog all the time.)



I am a gold-digger.

(If I'm a gold-digger, I'm damn bad at it. Mr. Buffie isn't exactly Trump and I work a full time job and two part time jobs and I'm a penny pinching nut when it comes to bills and crap.)




I am a slut.

(I don't even have a response for this. OMG, just ridiculous.)




I have a poor self-image.

(Pushaw! As if. LOL My ego is mostly checked, but I definitely don't look in the mirror and cry. Heck yes I think I'm cute! And what? What?)




I am desperate.

(Again, where to start with this. I don't get it. What do boobs have to do with desperation? I need a clue here.)




I am deceptive.

(Judging from the many TMI awards lining my mental shelves, I would have to say I /should/ try being a little deceptive, instead of sharing my business with the world. Maybe then I wouldn't get in so much trouble sometimes? But that's not my style. Sorry. I like to share far too much to be considered deceptive by any stretch of the definition.)




I am fake generally, inside and out.

(Again, I'm prone to goofy, fruit loopy mood swings but that's 100% Buffie - Not from concentrate. - Serious doesn't equal sincere any more than lack of seriousness equals fakeness.)



If I may speak freely for a moment.

The fact that some people have openly (thankfully not here) made these accusations about me because my boobs are silly-cone is --- 

--- SUCH A CROCK OF BULLSHIT!!!!!



I don't know why this is bothering me because I have no reason to give a shit about a stranger's opinion, but I am soooo over it. And I'm over seeing other girls with fake boobs go through the same GARBAGE.




Here's the truth.


I have fake boobs.






Trust me, it really doesn't go any futher than that. There's no need to ASSUME you instantly know a dozen other things about a person based on ONE trait.


How often are assumptions really accurate? 



Over time, we have learned that:


Making a negative assumption about a person's character based on their skin color is rarely accurate and there's really no correlation between skin color and behavior.


Making an assumption about a person's character because they're a member of a particular political affiliation is rarely accurate and there is diversity among the membership of almost any political party or group of people.


Making an assumption about anything based on only one piece of data is scientifically unsound and leaves the assume-er wide open to looking like a fucktard for popping off about what they *think* they know as opposed to what is fact.



I realize I am preaching to the choir. However I'm just not in the mood to argue this point with the people who believe I'm a slutty, shallow, gold-digging, lying bitch just because my boobs are purchased.

Therefore, to make things easy on myself, I thought I would just open a debate in a place where I am most likely to receive instant agreement with my perspective. LOL

I'm so clever and smart. It's because I have the fake boobies, y'know... ~winkies~

I don’t have like a "fancy" MySpace. Does that mean I’m square? 02Oct08

Some of you have incredible MySpace pages. They're amazing. All I could manage to do was turn mine pink and include a bitchin Alice Cooper tune, which has mysteriously disappeared recently and I am not at all happy about that.

Also, did you know it's almost impossible to watch COPS or Wild Police Chase Videos while someone else is trying to sleep in the same room? It's very frustrating. Watching other people get in trouble has been a favorite passtime of mine since I was but a wee lass.

Don't know why. But I think it's because I like to think to myself "sucks to be them". Ha ha. I'm so smug. *I'm* not in trouble. Ha ha.

I'm really not like that, except on the inside. ~shifty glances~

Back to me. 

It's about 1 am right now. I have insomnia and things to do and I like to have my junk TV on in the background because my attention span is too short to focus on any single thing, so I need a number of diversions in my rotation, which in a roundabout way keeps me productive. Don't call it adult ADHD, because I don't think I have that. Just call it... Attention Span Not Long Enough Syndrome.

Tonight happens to be Most Shocking (which is only a fancy name for police chase videos) on the TruTV (aka Court TV). Police and crooks both yell a lot. And cars make loud crunchy sounds when they hit stuff. If I turn the volume down enough so that the noises don't disturb Mr. Bufffie, then I can't hear the intense voice over guy describing the action. I tried closed captioning, but it covered up parts of the screen I needed to see and the shows don't really translate to text very well.

Poor Mr. Buffie. He's going to be grumpy in the morning. 




Why I got off on that subject, I don't know. That isn't actually the reason why I am writing a little note here.

What I wanted to say is:


THANK YOU!

I am so appreciative of all the birthday hugs and cards and well wishes you've all so generously and thoughtfully given me. What a wonderful thing to experience. If only everyone were so lucky! 

Thanks again and again. You sincerely have made me feel very special and very fortunate.



It has been your kindness that has kept me believing there is more positive in this world than negative. Some of you have never met me in real life and maybe don't know a thing about me at all, but you've taken the time to send me adorable notes and comments. How cool is that?

Of course my close friends have also done what they do so well, which is share their lives with me and let me know I am in their hearts just as much as they are in mine.


All things considered, life is pretty frickin sweet when you're me. ~winks~ No lie.


Not only have I been absolutely showered with excellent happy birthday vibes, I won $50 in the department jackpot today, plus I'm moving to an exciting new job with my company, and my mum and dad are going to visit over Turkey Day! Oh and I'm getting new nails and toes this weekend and I got my teeth bleached again last Saturday and I got some rad new fake eyelashes AND I had a coupon for them, can't wait to wear them. It gets better, I had catfish on Sunday and then last night I had the most delicious ribeye from Hereford House. Mmmmm... what else... there's too many more to mention. Now I'm just gloating. Gonna stop... Me so sorry.


Thank you all one more time for being just about the most kickass set of MySpace friends ever, even though my page is kinda ho hum. 

((((EPIC HUGS))))