Have you seen that Bowflex commercial? No, not that one. The one with the pug-faced smug guy who talks about his wife "giving him that little wink"...
That guy... if that's how he acts in person... geezus. Hi. Buy a Bowflex and you can be an asshole just like me!
He says "I gave all my fat clothes to my fat friends" all high-and-mighty like. WHATEVER. Dude, if that's how you really are, I *strongly* doubt you have ANY friends, fat, thin or otherwise.
Sheesh. Who was the marketing genius behind THAT ad?
Hellllooooo, gym and diet and work-out advertising people, if you want folks to buy your products and shit... like, I dunno... say fat people... If you want fat people to spend their hard earned cash on your junk, perhaps start out by NOT insulting them in your commercials? Just a suggestion. Y'all seem to do that a lot.
Hey you. You suck. Come spend money on my shit or else I'll spit in your eye and call your momma names!
Mmmhmmm, that's the way to win folks over. You Madison Avenue people clearly have it alllll figured out.
Gah!
(I know... another fat-rant. Hey, write what you know. That's the saying, yes? Besides, it's more fun than crying to everyone about how I don't have an MTV award or having a cow about Brangelina's baby-buying spree.)
But... speaking of celebrities. It's another time of year when I fear drunk drivers more than usual. In case you didn't know, I ABSOLUTELY LOATHE drunk drivers. I hate even more the drunk drivers who have easy access to alternatives, such as taxis, buses or sober friends but don't make good use of them.
Then there are celebrity drunk drivers. ALL OF YOU DESERVE TO BE IN JAIL.
Paris, Britney, Lindsey, that Kardashian sister and all their privileged friends not only have TONS of money for cab fare or a limo, they have enough money to HIRE A CHAUFFER permanently. Celebrities don't have to drive ANYWHERE if they don't want to and they sure as fuck don't "have" to drive drunk or high or loaded on Valium.
I don't give a shit about your Bently, your pocket-size great dane, your Jimmy Choos or your Fendi bag. Those things don't make you a nice person or a smart person and money can't buy you a good soul. You're spoiled ignorant hookers and any one of you should spend a day in my life or the life of one of my friends and see what it's like to work a long effing day, get paid in peanuts, drive home in a car with mis-matched tires or squeaking belts, have to clean your own kitchen, check your own mail or wipe your own ass. OH... and NOT drive while under the influence. Gee... if we mere simple peasants can do it, why can't you?
Driving drunk is lame and dangerous and if you live in Kansas City and you can't pull your head out of your butt long enough to figure out a way to drink WITHOUT getting behind the wheel, use Grab A Cab from EAP. Unlike me, these people take pity on your stupid ass and they will reimburse your cab fare for doing the right thing by NOT driving yourself home. Ask your employer if your company participates in EAP.
Since I'm not a total Scrooge (well, mostly but not completely) I would like to say - HAPPY Holidays!
Please be safe and beware of morons in SUVs. I care about y'all and want you to enjoy your festivities!
Eat lots of good stuff, give your friends and family TONS of hugs, volunteer for something close to your heart and stay warm!
Jingle!
~Buffie
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
The Curse 04Dec07
2007 has NOT been kind to Buffie.
I started the year with the mysterious loss of a toenail. (Alright, it wasn't that mysterious. I tripped over a shoe sneaking to the potty in the middle of the night and broke it, but didn't know it until the next day.)
Then... I got SARS followed by bird flu, then monkey pox. That's how it felt anyway. Turns out it was just a vicious case of bronchitis and I was starting to develop pneumonia. Thankfully my immune system woke itself up and fought back before I totally succumbed to the nasties.
THEN... I drop a HOT curling iron down my shirt. Burned the fucking hell out of my left booby. How much did that suck? You have no idea.
It gets better... a couple days after the curling iron scar starts to heal, I break a toe! I effing BROKE my toe. WTF! It was exactly how people say, too. You think you have stubbed it really bad, but then you look down and it's pointing the wrong way and the horror sets in about the same time the pain does. Geezus. Mr. Buffie picked up my foot, very carefully examined my toe and without warning he grabbed it and pulled it straight. Pretty sure the neighbors 3 blocks away heard me squeal. That was some wicked pain. The days after were fascinating, watching it turn so many shades of purple, green, blue, red and yellow. Fascinating and disgusting. Walking was OK, but there were no heels in my wardrobe for weeks. Blah! It's also true what they say that you can't do anything for a broken toe. I called my doc and she said if it was straight, the best she could do would be to tape it to my other toes and send me on my way... Hells bells, I could do that myself.
Then I got sick again... this time it was a different strain of 3rd world disease all coming together in my sinuses to make me wish I were dead. Completely unfair.
Sold my Jaguar. Made me sad for a while because that was the fucking sweetest ride I'll ever have. Nigel was a kickass car. However, Nigel was starting to make a strange noise. We could never figure out what it was. Strange noises in British cars mean cubic dollars spent on parts and labor only for a new strange noise to develop two months later. Time to go back to American automobiles. Got me a damn fine Z28 and named him Billy Idol. But what do I discover after having him for a month? There's a DEAD SPIDER -INSIDE- my instrument panel. Did you know the front glass on the instrument panel cannot be removed? It can't. Not without removing the entire dash. Yes, the whole goddamned enchilada. There's a dead motherfucking spider stuck right under my oil pressure gauge. GGGGGRRRRRRRRRR!!!
Had an abscess in my lower jaw in June. Not my idea of a good time. Had some x-rays done and the dentist thought it was just some freak thing we would 'keep an eye on' but felt like antibiotics would do the trick. They did... but it hurt like hell in the meantime. Blah!
Found a great house... moved in July. JULY. July in Missouri is like being in an oven with a pot of water. Humid, hot and no damn wind at all. Moving in July is punishment for crimes I must have committed in a former life because this is the 3rd time I've done it.
Developed a nice case of chronic hives in August. Doc can't figure it out. Allergist can't figure it out. Holistic healer guru can't figure it out. They all strongly suspect I'm allergic to the shrimps. No one loves the shrimps more than I love the shrimps. But now I cannot eat the shrimps. I think the shrimps did this to me. It was shrimp revenge. They feared I would eat them ALL. Here's a warning to you shrimps! If I ever find out the cause of my red itchy welts, and it ISN'T a seafood allergy, you better run and hide because I'll be on you like a Buffie on shrimps! HA!
Moving right along... things at work are in a constant state of chaos. My boss, who was the most awesome individual ever and the best boss I will ever have in my life, quit unexpectedly. I stand behind her decision, but I'm so very sad. Things are just wrong around there without her. Completely wrong. She is missed every day.
Went in for my dreaded annual mammogram. Having one's boobs smashed mercilessly in a torture device invented by Satan himself is something a woman shouldn't have to endure EVER, but because God is clearly a man and secretly hates us all, we get to do this crap on a yearly basis! Just like a birthday, only shitty! Yay! What happens next? The radiologist thinks there's something in one of my films, so I get to go back a few weeks later and have it done AGAIN! Oh the joy! The happiness! What a thrill! What was it? Turned out to be nothing. I'm glad for that, don't misunderstand me... but since I had an extra one this year, can I skip it next year? Please?
In case my feet haven't been through enough this year, I break ANOTHER TOE recently. Yes, another one!!! Same foot, different toe. What is WRONG with me? This time it was in broad daylight and I tripped over a chair. Maybe my boobs blocked me from seeing it or else I have inner-ear balance issues, but I totally snagged myself on a chair. I'm special.
To top it all off, last week, dental surgery. No, I'm not kidding! Molar extraction! Came out of no where!!! I was having some pain in a tooth where I had undergone a root canal about a year before... same one that abscessed in June. We know why it abscessed now... root was cracked so the root canal never fully healed at all. 2007 has clamied a Buffie toe nail AND a Buffie tooth. That's fucked up.
2008, you can't get here soon enough! Please hurry!!! I'm scared I'll wake up missing a nostril or something awful like that.
Oh... 2007... fuck you!
I started the year with the mysterious loss of a toenail. (Alright, it wasn't that mysterious. I tripped over a shoe sneaking to the potty in the middle of the night and broke it, but didn't know it until the next day.)
Then... I got SARS followed by bird flu, then monkey pox. That's how it felt anyway. Turns out it was just a vicious case of bronchitis and I was starting to develop pneumonia. Thankfully my immune system woke itself up and fought back before I totally succumbed to the nasties.
THEN... I drop a HOT curling iron down my shirt. Burned the fucking hell out of my left booby. How much did that suck? You have no idea.
It gets better... a couple days after the curling iron scar starts to heal, I break a toe! I effing BROKE my toe. WTF! It was exactly how people say, too. You think you have stubbed it really bad, but then you look down and it's pointing the wrong way and the horror sets in about the same time the pain does. Geezus. Mr. Buffie picked up my foot, very carefully examined my toe and without warning he grabbed it and pulled it straight. Pretty sure the neighbors 3 blocks away heard me squeal. That was some wicked pain. The days after were fascinating, watching it turn so many shades of purple, green, blue, red and yellow. Fascinating and disgusting. Walking was OK, but there were no heels in my wardrobe for weeks. Blah! It's also true what they say that you can't do anything for a broken toe. I called my doc and she said if it was straight, the best she could do would be to tape it to my other toes and send me on my way... Hells bells, I could do that myself.
Then I got sick again... this time it was a different strain of 3rd world disease all coming together in my sinuses to make me wish I were dead. Completely unfair.
Sold my Jaguar. Made me sad for a while because that was the fucking sweetest ride I'll ever have. Nigel was a kickass car. However, Nigel was starting to make a strange noise. We could never figure out what it was. Strange noises in British cars mean cubic dollars spent on parts and labor only for a new strange noise to develop two months later. Time to go back to American automobiles. Got me a damn fine Z28 and named him Billy Idol. But what do I discover after having him for a month? There's a DEAD SPIDER -INSIDE- my instrument panel. Did you know the front glass on the instrument panel cannot be removed? It can't. Not without removing the entire dash. Yes, the whole goddamned enchilada. There's a dead motherfucking spider stuck right under my oil pressure gauge. GGGGGRRRRRRRRRR!!!
Had an abscess in my lower jaw in June. Not my idea of a good time. Had some x-rays done and the dentist thought it was just some freak thing we would 'keep an eye on' but felt like antibiotics would do the trick. They did... but it hurt like hell in the meantime. Blah!
Found a great house... moved in July. JULY. July in Missouri is like being in an oven with a pot of water. Humid, hot and no damn wind at all. Moving in July is punishment for crimes I must have committed in a former life because this is the 3rd time I've done it.
Developed a nice case of chronic hives in August. Doc can't figure it out. Allergist can't figure it out. Holistic healer guru can't figure it out. They all strongly suspect I'm allergic to the shrimps. No one loves the shrimps more than I love the shrimps. But now I cannot eat the shrimps. I think the shrimps did this to me. It was shrimp revenge. They feared I would eat them ALL. Here's a warning to you shrimps! If I ever find out the cause of my red itchy welts, and it ISN'T a seafood allergy, you better run and hide because I'll be on you like a Buffie on shrimps! HA!
Moving right along... things at work are in a constant state of chaos. My boss, who was the most awesome individual ever and the best boss I will ever have in my life, quit unexpectedly. I stand behind her decision, but I'm so very sad. Things are just wrong around there without her. Completely wrong. She is missed every day.
Went in for my dreaded annual mammogram. Having one's boobs smashed mercilessly in a torture device invented by Satan himself is something a woman shouldn't have to endure EVER, but because God is clearly a man and secretly hates us all, we get to do this crap on a yearly basis! Just like a birthday, only shitty! Yay! What happens next? The radiologist thinks there's something in one of my films, so I get to go back a few weeks later and have it done AGAIN! Oh the joy! The happiness! What a thrill! What was it? Turned out to be nothing. I'm glad for that, don't misunderstand me... but since I had an extra one this year, can I skip it next year? Please?
In case my feet haven't been through enough this year, I break ANOTHER TOE recently. Yes, another one!!! Same foot, different toe. What is WRONG with me? This time it was in broad daylight and I tripped over a chair. Maybe my boobs blocked me from seeing it or else I have inner-ear balance issues, but I totally snagged myself on a chair. I'm special.
To top it all off, last week, dental surgery. No, I'm not kidding! Molar extraction! Came out of no where!!! I was having some pain in a tooth where I had undergone a root canal about a year before... same one that abscessed in June. We know why it abscessed now... root was cracked so the root canal never fully healed at all. 2007 has clamied a Buffie toe nail AND a Buffie tooth. That's fucked up.
2008, you can't get here soon enough! Please hurry!!! I'm scared I'll wake up missing a nostril or something awful like that.
Oh... 2007... fuck you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)